The Four Horsemen: Criticism 关系中的四骑士：批评（Criticism）

Understanding Criticism

理解什么是批评

The first of the Four Horsemen, and likely the most common, is criticism.

四骑士中的第一个，也是最常见的一种，就是批评（Criticism）。

It is natural for human beings to try to find explanations for their negative feelings. Over time, people can develop a mental habit of searching for reasons why they feel upset or dissatisfied. In doing so, they may begin scanning their environment for other people’s mistakes or shortcomings to account for their frustration.

人类天生会为自己的负面情绪寻找解释。当我们感到失望、烦躁或不舒服时，大脑会本能地试图找到原因。随着时间推移，人们可能形成一种思维习惯——不断在环境中寻找他人的错误或过失，以解释自己为什么会感觉这么不好。

Sometimes people notice their partner’s mistakes but choose not to say anything so they can avoid conflict. However, suppressing those feelings often causes anger or frustration to build up. Over time, these bottled-up emotions can turn into resentment.

有时候，人们注意到伴侣的错误，但为了避免冲突选择不说出来。然而，这些被压抑的情绪往往会逐渐累积，愤怒和挫败感会慢慢堆积起来。随着时间推移，这些被压住的情绪可能会转变为怨气或怨恨（resentment）。

When resentment grows, people may begin to interpret their partner’s behavior as evidence of deeper character flaws. Eventually, this can erupt as blaming “you-statements,” such as:

当怨恨逐渐累积，人们就容易开始把伴侣的行为解释为一种更深层的“人格问题”。于是，这种情绪最终可能会以指责式的 “你”句式 爆发出来，例如：

“You’re always talking about yourself! You never care about what I have to say!”

“你总是在说你自己！你从来不关心我说什么！”

That is criticism.

这就是批评。

Criticism is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. Complaints center on specific issues, but criticism is an ad hominem attack on your partner’s character.

批评与提出意见或表达抱怨是不同的。抱怨通常针对具体的问题或行为，而批评则是对伴侣人格的攻击。

In effect, you are criticizing not a specific action or behavior, but your partner as a whole person.

换句话说，批评不再只是针对某个行为，而是把问题归因到“这个人本身”。

Words like always and never imply that the other person has a consistent and negative personality flaw.

像 “总是（always）” 或 “从不（never）” 这样的词，会暗示对方存在一种持续且负面的性格缺陷。

Criticism can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. It often causes the couple to fall into an escalating pattern where criticism reappears with greater frequency and intensity.

批评对关系具有很大的破坏性，因为它会让对方感到被攻击、被否定和被伤害。关系中的互动也很容易因此进入一种不断升级的循环——批评出现得越来越频繁，情绪也越来越强烈。

However, a complaint addresses a specific behavior or action, and it doesn’t carry the negative charge of criticism because it doesn’t blame and instead expresses a need.

相比之下，**抱怨（complaint）**关注的是某一个具体行为，并表达自己的需要，而不是责怪对方，因此不会像批评那样带有强烈的负面情绪。

“We’ve talked a lot about your day. I need to vent, so could we talk about mine?”

“我们刚刚聊了很多关于你今天的事情。我也想说说我的一天，可以聊聊我的感受吗？”

How to Avoid or Counteract Criticism

如何避免或化解批评

How to avoid or counteract criticism? Use a gentle start-up!

如何避免或化解批评？使用 温和的开场（Gentle Start-Up）。

If you are unhappy with something in your relationship, by all means express it. But instead of attacking with criticism, you can use a gentle start-up.

当你在关系中对某件事情感到不满时，表达出来是重要的。但与其用批评攻击对方，不如使用一种更温和的开始方式。

A gentle start-up is a straightforward way to describe the situation and express a need in a positive manner.

温和开场的核心是：清楚描述情况，并用积极的方式表达需要。

For example, here is a common criticism:

例如，下面是一种常见的批评方式：

“You said you’d wash the dishes, but there’s still a pile in the sink. You never do what you say you will.”

“你说你会洗碗，但水槽里还是一堆。你从来都不会做你说过的事情。”

Here is a gentle start-up, which is the opposite of criticism:

而下面则是一个温和开场的表达方式：

“There’s still some dirty dishes in the sink. I need you to clean them up, please.”

“水槽里还有一些碗没有洗。可以请你把它们清理一下吗？”

Express Needs Without Blame

表达需要，而不是指责

In other words, the antidote to criticism is to complain without blame.

换句话说，批评的解药是：表达抱怨，但不责怪对方。

Talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express a positive need.

用 “我” 的表达方式 来说明你的感受，并表达你的需要。

Avoid using “you” statements and negative judgments that may make your partner feel attacked.

尽量避免使用 “你” 的指责式表达，以及带有负面评价的语言，因为这会让对方感到被攻击。

Here is an example of criticism using a “you” statement:

下面是一个带有指责意味的表达：

“Come on, we’re going to be late! Are you just being slow on purpose?”

“快点，我们要迟到了！你是故意这么慢的吗？”

And here is a gentle start-up that clearly expresses the need without blaming:

而下面是一种不带责怪、同时表达需要的温和开场：

“Hey, we’re running late. It’s really important to me that we get there on time.”

“我们现在有点要迟到了。对我来说准时到达真的很重要。”

Before Starting the Conversation

在开始沟通之前

Before approaching your partner, it can be helpful to ask yourself two questions:

在和伴侣沟通之前，可以先问自己两个问题：

What emotions do I feel?

我现在感受到的情绪是什么？

What do I need from my partner in this situation?

在这个情境里，我希望伴侣如何回应或支持我？