The Four Horsemen: Contempt 关系中的四骑士：轻蔑

Understanding Contempt

理解什么是轻蔑

Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is the most destructive negative behavior in relationships.

在四骑士中，**轻蔑（Contempt）**是最严重的一种，也是对关系破坏性最大的一种互动模式。

In Dr. John Gottman’s four decades of research, he has found contempt to be the number one predictor of divorce.

在 John Gottman 四十多年的研究中，他发现轻蔑是预测离婚最强的指标。

According to Malcolm Gladwell in his bestselling book Blink:

畅销书《Blink》的作者 Malcolm Gladwell 曾引用 Gottman 的研究说：

“If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.”

“如果 Gottman 在一段婚姻中观察到一方或双方对彼此表现出轻蔑，他会认为这是婚姻出现严重问题的最重要信号。”

When you communicate with contempt, the results can be cruel. Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension are forms of contempt.

当关系中出现轻蔑时，沟通往往会变得非常伤人。不尊重对方、用讽刺或居高临下的态度嘲笑对方，都是轻蔑的表现。

Hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering are also forms of contempt.

带有攻击性的玩笑、辱骂、模仿嘲讽，以及翻白眼、冷笑等肢体语言，也都是轻蔑的表现。

In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority.

无论以什么形式出现，轻蔑对关系都是具有毒性的，因为它传递的是一种厌恶与优越感。

Contempt, simply put, says:

简单来说，轻蔑传递的信息是：

“I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”

“我比你好，而你不如我。”

What Is Contempt

轻蔑是如何形成的

Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it often emerges as an attack on the partner’s sense of self.

轻蔑往往来自于对伴侣长期积累的负面想法，并最终以攻击对方自我价值的方式表现出来。

Contempt inevitably leads to more conflict—particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict—rather than reconciliation.

轻蔑几乎一定会导致更多冲突，而且往往是更加激烈、更加破坏性的冲突，而不是走向修复。

It is virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner receives the message that you are disgusted with them and consider yourself superior.

当对方接收到的信息是“你让我厌恶”“我比你高一等”时，几乎不可能真正解决问题。

For example, imagine a couple where one partner values punctuality and the other struggles with being on time.

例如，有一对伴侣，其中一方非常重视准时，而另一方却经常迟到。

A contemptuous response might sound like this:

带有轻蔑的表达可能会是这样：

“Look, I learned how to tell time when I was five years old. When are you ever going to learn?”

“我五岁就学会看时间了，你到底什么时候才能学会？”

Or in a couple that frequently argues about sex:

又例如，一对伴侣经常因为性生活发生争执：

“We haven’t had sex in months. What, are you too busy flirting with that guy at work? Why don’t you just marry him instead?”

“我们几个月都没有性生活了。怎么，你忙着和公司那个男人调情吗？那你干脆嫁给他好了。”

Research also shows that couples who treat each other with contempt are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses such as colds and the flu.

研究还发现，彼此轻蔑的伴侣更容易患上感染性疾病，例如感冒或流感。

Contempt damages not only relationships but also psychological, emotional, and physical health.

轻蔑不仅破坏关系，也会损害心理、情绪甚至身体健康。

The Antidotes to Contempt

轻蔑的解药

Fortunately, like the other three horsemen, contempt also has effective antidotes.

幸运的是，像其他三骑士一样，轻蔑也有有效的解药。

Short-Term Antidote — Describe Your Feelings and Needs

短期方法：表达感受与需要

The first step is to describe your own feelings and needs about a situation.

第一步是表达自己的感受与需要。

Try to avoid “you” statements, which can make your partner feel blamed or attacked.

尽量避免使用 “你” 的指责句式，因为这容易让对方感觉被攻击。

For example:

例如：

“I’m feeling neglected sexually, and I need physical connection. Can we talk about how to make that happen so it works for both of us?”

“我在亲密关系里感到有些被忽视，我也很需要身体上的亲密连接。我们可以一起讨论怎样让这件事对我们两个人都更好吗？”

Or regarding punctuality:

又例如关于准时的问题：

“It’s very important to me to be on time. Can you please help me with that?”

“准时对我来说真的很重要，你可以帮我一起做到这一点吗？”

These small shifts in communication can begin to change the dynamic of conflict.

这种沟通方式的改变，能够慢慢改变冲突的互动模式。

Long-Term Antidote — Build a Culture of Fondness and Admiration

长期方法：建立欣赏与喜爱的关系文化

The most powerful antidote to contempt is building a culture of fondness and admiration in the relationship.

对抗轻蔑最有效的方法，是在关系中建立一种欣赏与喜爱的文化。

This acts like an immune system for the relationship.

这就像是关系的免疫系统。

Fondness and admiration are not built overnight.

欣赏与喜爱并不是一夜之间建立的。

However, when partners intentionally do small positive things for each other every day, this emotional system gradually strengthens.

当伴侣每天有意识地做一些小而积极的事情时，这种情感系统就会慢慢增强。

Research shows that couples who maintain a positive view of their shared history are more likely to be happy in their relationships.

研究发现，能够以积极视角看待共同历史的伴侣，更有可能在关系中保持幸福。

Talking about happy memories and remembering the difficult moments you overcame together can help rebuild connection.

回忆快乐的经历，以及那些一起走过困难的时刻，都能帮助伴侣重新建立连接。

Daily gestures of appreciation and affection also matter.

每天表达欣赏和关心的小举动也非常重要。

These can be simple acts such as:

例如：

A six-second kiss

一个六秒钟的亲吻

A stress-reducing conversation

一次帮助彼此释放压力的对话

Taking a moment to thank each other

花一点时间表达感谢

Even when partners feel frustrated by each other’s flaws, healthy couples still maintain respect and honor for each other.

即使伴侣之间会因为对方的缺点感到挫败，健康的关系仍然保有基本的尊重与珍视。

The goal is to cultivate positive thoughts, feelings, and actions that strengthen the bond between partners.

目标是培养积极的想法、情感和行动，从而强化伴侣之间的连接。

The more positivity that exists in a relationship, the more couples develop what Gottman calls positive sentiment override, which helps them remain connected even during conflict.

当关系中的正向情感越多，伴侣就越容易形成 Gottman 所说的 “正向情绪优势（Positive Sentiment Override）”，这能够帮助伴侣在冲突中仍然保持连接。

When fondness and admiration are revived, couples begin to approach conflict as a team rather than as opponents.

当欣赏与喜爱重新被唤起时，伴侣更容易以团队的方式面对冲突，而不是彼此对立。

This strengthens the sense of “we-ness” in the relationship and helps partners remain connected, just as they did when they first met.

这种感觉会增强关系中的 “我们感（we-ness）”，也帮助伴侣重新找回最初相遇时的连接。