Understanding Criticism
The first of the Four Horsemen, and likely the most common, is criticism.
It is natural for human beings to try to find explanations for their negative feelings. Over time, people can develop a mental habit of searching for reasons why they feel upset or dissatisfied. In doing so, they may begin scanning their environment for other people’s mistakes or shortcomings to account for their frustration.
Sometimes people notice their partner’s mistakes but choose not to say anything so they can avoid conflict. However, suppressing those feelings often causes anger or frustration to build up. Over time, these bottled-up emotions can turn into resentment.
When resentment grows, people may begin to interpret their partner’s behavior as evidence of deeper character flaws. Eventually, this can erupt as blaming “you-statements,” such as:
“You’re always talking about yourself! You never care about what I have to say!”
That is criticism.
Criticism is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. Complaints center on specific issues, but criticism is an ad hominem attack on your partner’s character.
In effect, you are criticizing not a specific action or behavior, but your partner as a whole person.
Words like always and never imply that the other person has a consistent and negative personality flaw.
Criticism can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. It often causes the couple to fall into an escalating pattern where criticism reappears with greater frequency and intensity.
However, a complaint addresses a specific behavior or action, and it doesn’t carry the negative charge of criticism because it doesn’t blame and instead expresses a need.
“We’ve talked a lot about your day. I need to vent, so could we talk about mine?”
How to Avoid or Counteract Criticism
How to avoid or counteract criticism? Use a gentle start-up!
If you are unhappy with something in your relationship, by all means express it. But instead of attacking with criticism, you can use a gentle start-up.
A gentle start-up is a straightforward way to describe the situation and express a need in a positive manner.
For example, here is a common criticism:
“You said you’d wash the dishes, but there’s still a pile in the sink. You never do what you say you will.”
Here is a gentle start-up, which is the opposite of criticism:
“There’s still some dirty dishes in the sink. I need you to clean them up, please.”
Express Needs Without Blame
In other words, the antidote to criticism is to complain without blame.
Talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express a positive need.
Avoid using “you” statements and negative judgments that may make your partner feel attacked.
Here is an example of criticism using a “you” statement:
“Come on, we’re going to be late! Are you just being slow on purpose?”
And here is a gentle start-up that clearly expresses the need without blaming:
“Hey, we’re running late. It’s really important to me that we get there on time.”
Before Starting the Conversation
Before approaching your partner, it can be helpful to ask yourself two questions:
What emotions do I feel?
What do I need from my partner in this situation?
