Understanding Contempt
Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is the most destructive negative behavior in relationships.
In Dr. John Gottman’s four decades of research, he has found contempt to be the number one predictor of divorce.
According to Malcolm Gladwell in his bestselling book Blink:
“If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.”
When you communicate with contempt, the results can be cruel. Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension are forms of contempt.
Hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering are also forms of contempt.
In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority.
Contempt, simply put, says:
“I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”
What Is Contempt
Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it often emerges as an attack on the partner’s sense of self.
Contempt inevitably leads to more conflict—particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict—rather than reconciliation.
It is virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner receives the message that you are disgusted with them and consider yourself superior.
For example, imagine a couple where one partner values punctuality and the other struggles with being on time.
A contemptuous response might sound like this:
“Look, I learned how to tell time when I was five years old. When are you ever going to learn?”
Or in a couple that frequently argues about sex:
“We haven’t had sex in months. What, are you too busy flirting with that guy at work? Why don’t you just marry him instead?”
Research also shows that couples who treat each other with contempt are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses such as colds and the flu.
Contempt damages not only relationships but also psychological, emotional, and physical health.
The Antidotes to Contempt
Fortunately, like the other three horsemen, contempt also has effective antidotes.
Short-Term Antidote — Describe Your Feelings and Needs
The first step is to describe your own feelings and needs about a situation.
Try to avoid “you” statements, which can make your partner feel blamed or attacked.
For example:
“I’m feeling neglected sexually, and I need physical connection. Can we talk about how to make that happen so it works for both of us?”
Or regarding punctuality:
“It’s very important to me to be on time. Can you please help me with that?”
These small shifts in communication can begin to change the dynamic of conflict.
Long-Term Antidote — Build a Culture of Fondness and Admiration
The most powerful antidote to contempt is building a culture of fondness and admiration in the relationship.
This acts like an immune system for the relationship.
Fondness and admiration are not built overnight.
However, when partners intentionally do small positive things for each other every day, this emotional system gradually strengthens.
Research shows that couples who maintain a positive view of their shared history are more likely to be happy in their relationships.
Talking about happy memories and remembering the difficult moments you overcame together can help rebuild connection.
Daily gestures of appreciation and affection also matter.
These can be simple acts such as:
A six-second kiss
A stress-reducing conversation
Taking a moment to thank each other
Even when partners feel frustrated by each other’s flaws, healthy couples still maintain respect and honor for each other.
The goal is to cultivate positive thoughts, feelings, and actions that strengthen the bond between partners.
The more positivity that exists in a relationship, the more couples develop what Gottman calls positive sentiment override, which helps them remain connected even during conflict.
When fondness and admiration are revived, couples begin to approach conflict as a team rather than as opponents.
This strengthens the sense of “we-ness” in the relationship and helps partners remain connected, just as they did when they first met.
